


Catch Me when I'm Falling

by Honey



Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Blow Jobs, Brief mentions of bulimia, Diet abuse, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, M/M, Mentions of Character Death, nick is terribly out of character and it's louis' fault, squint for tomlinshaw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-17
Updated: 2013-03-17
Packaged: 2017-12-05 14:57:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/724590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Honey/pseuds/Honey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is spiralling, Nick is the one who notices.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Catch Me when I'm Falling

**Author's Note:**

> This would’ve been done sooner if it wasn’t for school but here it finally is! So sorry for the harry/louis angst, it wasn’t in the prompt but it just kind of popped up when I followed the barely-existing timeline. Also, the diet I used is called LCHF (low calorie – high fat), because it’s basically the only diet I know of. It’s a really good diet if you use it correctly, but please always follow instructions if you’re on a diet and don’t do as Louis in this fic. 
> 
> **Written for the kinkmeme prompt (spoiler-alert):**  
>  "A different spin on Louis developing an ED. His management puts him on a strict diet, Harry tries to fight the management decision, but loses like always. Everything is going fine, just Louis being a bit more tired, etc. One day, he realises that the media is still calling him fat and he starts to restrict his already restricted food intake and hiding things from Harry.
> 
> Cue Nick, who even though always gives Louis a hard time, secretly loves the banter that they have. Let's say Louis was at Harry's birthday party and when Nick see's him his jaw drops at how skinny and sick Louis looks. Author can take it from there, but I want Nick to be the one to eventually get Louis to 'break' per say and admit that he's not okay, blah blah blah, and then Nick gets Harry involved, and yeah. Happy ending please!! Or as happy it can be with ED's."
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** I do not own the One Direction boys, nor do I think that this has happened for real meaning this is purely fictional.

It’s not a thing that Louis cares about that much. It’s just – it seems like everybody else do. It _is_ a thing among his fans, talking about the tiny bit of tummy he never bothered to train away. Then the media and the tabloids pick up on it and of course they blow it out of proportion because when do they not? They indicate that he’s fat, that he should probably work out to keep his appearance and, and the words hurt. Two years into the business and jabs from strangers and rumour-starting tabloids about his body shouldn't bother him anymore, he should be used to it, but, _still_. He doesn't really know how he feels about it.

 

Louis gets called into a meeting with the band’s public relations manager Sarah, and of course Harry decides to come with him because apparently ‘just wanna spend time with you’ is a valid reason to sit in on what’s probably going to be a very boring meeting. He’s happy Harry decided to come with him, even though Louis is pretty sure that the meeting has something to do with Eleanor. The meetings with Sarah rarely are about anything other than how she ‘always have to clean up after you two, could you at least _try_ to tone it down a bit in public?’ He just knows that if Eleanor is the subject of the meeting Harry is not going to be happy.

So when Sarah gives Louis a paper consisting of lists of different food types he just looks at her in confusion. There are letters and numbers and ‘eat this’ and ‘don’t eat that’s on the paper too and Louis doesn’t understand at all until Harry starts screaming at Sarah.

They leave the office twenty minutes later in defeat. Harry had almost screamed and argued his throat raw about how ‘Louis doesn’t need a fucking diet, are you insane?’, while Louis had just sat quiet, feeling his carefully built walls starting to crumble a bit.

The reason behind his new diet can’t be because people are just talking about his body. He wouldn’t be put on a freaking diet if there weren’t any truth behind all those articles and tweets and posts saying that he’s fat, needs to lose some weight. 

When they get home to the flat Harry yanks the paper out of his hands and throws it away, saying ”you really don’t need to lose weight Lou” and goes to shower. Louis retrieves the paper as soon as Harry’s out of sight, thinks that he might as well lose a few pounds, that it would be nice to have the bit of fat gone. 

 

Louis gets into a routine after that. He doesn’t bother to learn what is diet is really about, he just follows the instructions. It goes on for a while. The paper says no carbs what so ever, Louis avoids carbs as much as he can without attracting suspicion. Other than that he can eat almost whatever he wants. He feels great. The only thing that isn’t great is his body.

 

He searches online one day. It feels stupid since he always tells Harry to not care about what people are saying about him, that the opinions coming from people who know and love him are the ones that matter. Louis doesn’t follow his own advice. There are people complaining about him being too fat, looking skinnier, being too skinny and Louis doesn’t know what to do at all. He tells himself he doesn’t care, but decides to do something about it, starting with a change to his diet and more exercise.

He googles his diet and finds out what he’s been putting in his body this whole time. He feels sick when he sees that he’s been eating as much fat as possible to make up for the lack of carbs. No wonder nothing about his body has changed.

He doesn’t eat anything for the rest of the day and goes through each day eating as little as possible.

Everyday life carries on as normal. A few weeks passes and nobody notices that Louis doesn’t eat very much, not even when they have rehearsal after rehearsal to prepare for Madison Square Garden and spend every hour of every day together. Louis tries to act like he’s eating normally, and if he feels a bit faint, can’t concentrate at times and is just overall tired, he still doesn’t tell Harry, not anyone at all. He doesn’t want even more people telling him what he’s doing wrong. It’s not _wrong_.

Louis doesn’t notice that he’s pushing his body too far, but he feels nice for the first time in a while. He sort of likes the pain in his stomach after having gone without food for a while, associates it with getting thinner. He can count a few ribs on his body and rewards himself with another half-hour of exercise.

 

They absolutely _smash_ Madison Square Garden, and Louis’ hands visibly shake at the after party he’s so exhausted. Harry is off doing karaoke with Ed and Taylor and he looks so happy that Louis wants to cry. Instead, Louis drinks way too much and ends up on the wrong side of drunk. The shaking of his hands only increases and he has to hold on to fucking Eleanor to get to the hotel and _where_ is Harry? He only wants Harry and when Eleanor turns to leave from the doorstep of their hotel room he kind of assumes that Harry will be in to take care of him like he always does when Louis gets like this. Except he isn’t and Louis doesn’t know where he is and he kind of hurts everywhere. He starts crying and he doesn’t know what to do so he crawls into bed and cries himself to sleep, wishing that things were different.

The morning after he experiences the almost worst hangover in his life, and he knows that he really needs to eat, but even the thought of food makes his stomach lurch so he doesn’t. It’s made worse by the fact that Harry isn’t there to help him (to save him).

The five of them go home to London a few days after playing the biggest show in their careers and Louis falls face first onto his and Harry’s bed. He’s exhausted after the long plane ride, after the show and after all the screaming fans and after Taylor and even though Harry said it was nothing and apologised Louis is just tired of being himself.

The bed dips behind him and then Harry is straddling Louis’ thighs, leaning forward to press soft kisses on his neck and shoulders. He can feel that Harry’s bit hard and Louis feels too tired.

“Harry.” He tries for scolding but ends up just sounding exhausted.

Harry leans forward even more, licks a stripe from Louis’ neck to his ear and bites lightly at his earlobe.

“Lou, just relax.” Harry’s weight disappears from Louis’ thighs and then he’s being flipped over to face Harry before Harry’s lips is on his and then nothing kind of matters anymore.

Harry settles his weight on Louis again, aligning their hips, and just the feel of Harry hard against him makes a shiver go through Louis as he grips Harry’s biceps tightly with his hands.

They kiss for several minutes, both of them thrusting against each other, Louis struggling to take a breath between everything he feels and _Harry_ , while Harry pants and moans softly between their mouths. Louis’ legs are starting to tingle with Harry’s weight on them, so Louis pushes at Harry’s chest, whispers “come on” to get him to do something, anything.

Harry seems to get it instantly, and Louis is always astounded by the understanding that lies between them, the way they both seem to just know what the other means, with just a look or a movement and without any words.

Harry lifts himself off Louis’ body, pushes at his legs to get him to spread them, and positions himself in between, never once leaving Louis’ lips, always keeping him close. Harry takes ahold of the hem of Louis’ jumper, and Louis’ breath hitches, thinking that Harry’s about to pull it off. He really doesn’t want to show his body, knows that Harry wouldn’t understand (would leave him).

Harry just pushes the jumper so it bunches above Louis’ navel, smiles at Louis and dips his head to lick around it. His hands strokes Louis’ sides as he reaches to fumble with Louis’ zipper and button, making quick work of it and drags Louis’ trousers and boxers off in one go. Louis hisses when the chilly air hits his now more than half hard cock, making him shiver in both anticipation and from the cold.

Harry doesn’t wait long before he takes Louis’ cock in his hand, seems to know that Louis is tired (although more awake than he was when they got home) and that he’s not up for teasing this time.

Harry grins up at Louis, asks “alright?” and Louis can only nod and prop himself up on his arms to be able to see him properly before Harry makes a show of sliding his tongue out to flick at the head of Louis’ cock.

It feels good, as it always does, and Louis shudders when he watches as Harry wraps his lips around his cock, one hand tugging at the bottom of Louis’ dick and the other resting on his hip, ready to push it down if Louis gets a bit eager and starts to thrust up (which he almost always does (Harry learnt that the hard way)). He lets his body fall back on the bed again, grasping the sheets tightly with his hands.

Harry starts to bob his head up and down, lips wrapping tight around Louis’ dick and tongue flicking against the slit. Louis is fully hard, and every suck that Harry gives elicits a breathy moan or a deep groan from Louis as he gets closer and closer to his release. Harry is always so distracting, always manages to make Louis not think about anything other than him, no matter what situation they’re in. It’s when Harry brings his hand down to fondle Louis’ balls that Louis notices that he had even removed it from his hip. His hips thrust up just as Harry’s hand disappears once again and Louis can feel Harry’s throat going tight around his cock and a few moments later a moan vibrates through Harry’s mouth which in turn makes Louis do the same.

It’s good, _so_ good to not think anything other than, ”Harry, Harry _fuck_ ,” Louis gasps, breathing going erratic. 

Harry pulls off, using his one hand to continue to stroke Louis, and as Louis sits up again he sees that Harry has managed to get his own zipper open and his dick out, frantically tugging on both of them, head resting against Louis’ thigh. He’s pressing kisses, panting and breathing against the base off Louis’ cock, and when Harry fits his mouth to the head again it doesn’t take long for Louis to come, releasing into his mouth, watching with heavy-lidded eyes as Harry swallows it all and comes himself moments later. 

Louis feels lightheaded, and maybe that’s because of his very recent orgasm and the after-glow that he’s in, making everything get a bit fuzzy around the edges, but there are also the pains in his stomach, reminding him that he hasn’t eaten very recently. It’s all great contrasts and when Harry gets back to the bedroom after cleaning himself up he climbs onto the bed to join Louis and Louis feels content, with the pain in his stomach and the love for the boy snuggling up against him fighting each other. 

 

The time up until Christmas is spent longing for the break. They don’t have anything band-related to do in December except X Factor performances across the world. Harry spends most of his free-time with Taylor, Louis doesn’t do much at all.

 

Christmas Eve and Louis’ birthday come and he has a party with a lot of people invited. He’s twenty-one and he’s on top of the fucking world but at the bottom of the ocean at the same time and he gets incredibly drunk after a few strong bears. He has a hard time figuring out that he’s become a light-weight and then Niall shows up to yell ' _happy birthday mate, love you_ ' in Louis’ ear and then they both giggle and Louis almost cries a bit too when he throws his arms around Niall because Harry _isn’t there_.

He spends the rest of the Christmas week with his family and his childhood friends and it feels like old times when being without his family wasn’t a normality in his life. His mother seems to get a bit suspicious when he eats almost nothing at all and then says that he’s not that hungry, but to Louis’ luck she doesn’t ask anything.

Suddenly it’s the morning of January the first and Louis’ phone is blaring out his stupid ringtone for Harry’s calls, and the day will probably be a good one. Louis knows that Harry’s in America but doesn’t know what he’s actually doing there and it’s stupid o’clock in England which means it’s probably midnight wherever Harry is. It’s only that that makes him answer his phone.

“Harry you woke me up,” he whines, dragging out ever word. He’s allowed to whine when he’s only had a few hours of sleep.   
“Sorry, sorry,” Harry gasps into the phone and Louis knows, just knows that Harry’s crying and he sounds drunk too and then nothing is okay once again. “Sorry Lou, ‘m so sorry.”

“What happened, why’re you sorry?” Harry takes a huge breath but it comes out strangled and it sounds like he’s crying even harder.

“I, I- they told me not, not to tell her, and I, she- I was drunk and, she kissed me.” And Louis’ heart aches and he doesn’t even know who Harry’s talking about and he doesn’t want to know at all, but Harry continues either way. “And, and I miss you so fucking much and, and I kissed her back, and you’ve been so distant lately and I just, I don’t even know.” Silent tears are rolling down Louis’ cheeks and there’s a huge lump in his throat and Harry needs to stop talking right about now if he doesn’t want to break Louis completely. Harry just cries even harder. “And now it’ll be in every fucking paper everywhere and I’m sorry Louis, I’m so sorry.” Harry sounds out of breath and Louis doesn’t know what to do at all and this is completely new and his throat and lungs _hurt_ and he manages to croak out a single “okay”. The last thing he hears is Harry’s strangled cry before Louis hangs up and cries himself back to sleep. It’s become somewhat of a recurring occurrence.

He spends all of January the first in bed hungover and doesn’t eat at all.

He finds out that the girl Harry was talking about is Taylor Swift and of course, because why wouldn’t it be her again? She’s skinny and tall and talented and kind of has everything that Louis doesn’t. He doesn’t know if Harry and he are broken up and he’s dating Taylor now or if she’s just another beard and he just wishes that Harry would call him or something. The worst part is that Harry hasn’t told him anything, and he’s so scared and uncertain of the future and of himself that he doesn’t know what to do.

It gets worse for a few days. 

Before, Louis had Harry as a distraction, a way to get out of his head for awhile. In Harry’s presence Louis forgets to think about, just for a little while, all the demands and expectations and judgements that constantly lies upon him. He’ll get out of bed for breakfast and just not think of anything other than beautiful Harry serving him eggs or whatever he has made for breakfast that day. Harry often makes Louis not feel all too guilty for eating slightly too much for his liking.

With Harry off in the US and Louis not talking to him and not leaving his room, things change a lot, and fast.

He knows that he’s slowly losing Harry, as he said when he called at new year’s. Louis blames himself for not being good enough, not skinny enough and it’s obvious that Harry doesn’t want him anymore. 

But Harry comes home, apologises and that’s that. They cuddle up on the couch in front of a movie, Harry brings out popcorn and Louis eats a handful to not look too suspicious. If Louis avoids Harry in some situations later they don’t really talk about it, but things between them go back to how they used to be. Louis still feels like shit. 

 

The band goes Ghana to do charity work and when Louis visits the hospital with Niall he gets the chock of his life. He sees the poor families and the sick kids and thinks of his own situation and cries so much afterwards that no sounds come out. When he gets home to London he eats a full meal including carbs and feels so ill when he’s finished that he ends up on the bathroom floor, leaning against the toilet, afraid that he’ll throw up. He knows that starving yourself is _wrong_ but it feels like purging is even worse and Louis really doesn’t want to go down that road.

He tries to eat, tries to get better, but it’s hard when the whole world is watching and judging and the ache in his stomach has become a sort of assurance that ' _yes, I’m still me, I’m still here_ '.

–:–

Nick reaches Harry about fifteen minutes after arriving at the venue. His first stop had been the bar and then he had to get out of a conversation with Niall who wanted to know what his birthday present was. So when he gets to Harry he just throws his arms around him and somehow his arms end up around Louis’ body too because of their close proximity. He knows he’s a bit late but he thinks he makes it up by almost screaming ‘happy birthday mate’ in Harry’s ear. The slightly annoyed and at the same fond glare Harry sends him as they part makes him think that he’s forgiven.

He had almost forgotten about Louis until the lad clears his throat and says, “right then, I’m off before the paps arrive” and reaches up to give Harry a quick peck on his left cheek. And _right_ , Nick thinks, it’s still weird seeing this new but then not really new at all side to their relationship after listening to Harry whining about Louis for a long time before the two of them actually got together. Nick turns to Louis with a small smile to say goodbye to him, but falters when he sees how pale and exhausted he looks. Louis’ eyes turn wide and before Nick can say anything Louis turns on his heels to get to the entrance. And Nick really doesn’t check his best friend’s boyfriend out, he _doesn’t_ , but Louis is wearing this tight maroon-coloured tee and Nick is positive he can see some of Louis’ ribs protruding, even through the material.

“Where’s he off to?” Nick asks Harry who’s still standing beside him, also gazing after Louis, but with a more longing look in his eyes than Nick has. 

“Right, Liam’s mate Andy’s party,” Harry answers, still turned in the direction of the entrance, even as Nick has already turned to face him. “It’s his birthday too, or something,” Harry adds.

Nick doesn’t really know how to even ask Harry about what’s wrong with Louis. He knows he probably has nothing to do with it, but he feels like he should ask – Louis didn’t look okay at all – just to be sure. He has the right to care about his best friend’s boyfriend, right? Especially if the problem could be a potential problem for said best friend too. Nick decides to keep it vague.

“Harry, is there something, like, wrong with Louis?”

 “Uhm, not that I know of, no? How come?” 

“Oh, nothing,” Nick shrugs, but he isn’t convinced. It’s just, he knew a girl who was bulimic and knows how she used to look, but Nick also kind of knows (and hopes) that Louis wouldn’t be stupid enough to do that. It would absolutely destroy his vocal chords that he kind of needs to be able to sing. 

Nick also suspects that Harry doesn’t know a thing about Louis, and that makes him wonder. How can Harry, long-term boyfriend and flatmate of Louis not _see_ how Louis looks, pale, way too skinny and with purple bags under his eyes, but Nick, who only had to cast one glance at Louis to see, can? Louis looks so, so different from the last time he saw the lad, and _oh_. Right. It’s been a few months since Nick had seen Louis last, which is probably why Louis’ state had shocked him. Harry sees Louis practically every hour of every day, and people tend to miss gradual changes.

Nick decides to leave Harry to his birthday boy-business, heads to the bar where Niall still is and tells him all about the stripper he’s bought for Harry as a present. Niall laughs until he nearly cries while Nick silently vows to actually try to help Louis, even though the two of them have a bit of a mutual dislike towards each other.

 

Catching Louis alone proves to be about a hundred times more difficult than Nick thought it would be. He’s constantly texting Harry asking what he’s up to, and he constantly gets the same answer, rehearsals. And that’s what scares Nick the most. He has the Breakfast show every morning and One Direction seems to have rehearsals every hour of every day and then a week has passed by and he can’t think of anything else other than the fact that _they’re going on tour in three weeks_.

Then, one and a half weeks after Harry’s birthday party Nick gets a text from said boy at exactly when he gets off work, saying _Off today, meet up somewhere?_ and Nick thinks maybe, _maybe_. 

He answers in record time.

_Surprised ur not dead yet, but i really cant sorry x_

_Ha ha fine, ill be out with niall if you change your mind xx_

And yes, Nick thinks, fucking Goddamn yes, _finally_.

 

Nick arrives at Harry’s and Louis’ shared flat not even thirty minutes later. He knocks, fidgets slightly because what the hell is he even going to say to Louis and prays to some higher power that Louis actually is home.

He’s mid-knocking for the second time when the lock clicks and Nick finds himself staring down at a sleep-mussed Louis, only wearing his pyjama pants. He looks incredibly sleepy, but still manages to send Nick a glare and croak out a greeting.

“Why the hell did you haf’ta wake me up for, Harry’s out.” And yeah, Nick had kind of forgotten that Louis doesn’t like him. At all.

And then Nick really looks and draws in a sharp breath. He was worried about Louis and had known that something was wrong but he really didn’t think it was this bad. Louis looks pale, really pale and he has bruises on his forearms and Nick can almost count the ribs sticking out. Nick wants to cry because _why_ would Louis do something like this to himself and _why_ hasn’t Harry noticed anything and _why_ does Nick have to be the first one to notice when Louis probably hates him already.

Nick hates that he sounds choked up when he asks to come in but the thought of that it might be the media causing Louis to do this, anyone doing it, is a bit too much for him now that he has proof for it right in front of his eyes. He can’t actually think of any other reason for Louis to do this.

“You know, me saying Harry’s out wasn’t just a way of getting rid of you, he isn’t actually here.”

“Yeah, yeah I know” Nick sighs and decides to push it, even though he knows he has no right to. “We could eat something, you haven’t eaten yet, right?”

Louis just stares at him. “No, okay look Grimshaw, I know that you want something, alright? Just spit it out,” and he sounds like he really doesn’t want Nick there at all, and he’s sort of trying but failing to hide his almost naked body with his arms. He also looks kind of scared and Nick isn’t familiar with any other Louis than the obnoxiously loud and always cheery one, so he really has no idea how to approach the subject. The two of them also haven’t ever had a conversation that wasn’t banter and snide comments before.

Nick feels out of depth. His first instinct is to answer with something equally rude and act like the two of them always do; shooting remarks and implied insults at each other. It’s what they’ve always done, and what Nick thought they would always be like, up until now. Louis looks like he’s breaking just from being in Nick’s presence and Nick just feels _sad_.

“I, I just really need to talk-“

“Right,” is what Louis cuts him off with.

Nick snaps.

“ _Fuck_ , could you just listen then? Without fucking interrupting me? Because I have no Goddamn idea how to do this and _why the fuck_ am I the one doing it? It should be Harry, anyone, your long lost distant cousin, just _not me_. Why are you doing this to yourself Louis, why? And how have you kept this from Harry when all I needed was one look at you? Sorry but Christ, you really don’t look okay and I just really want you to be. You probably don’t even think of us as friends but I do and I care about you and I just keep thinking that I had something to do with this,” Nick gestures vaguely at Louis’ body, and he knows that he’s rambling and making no sense what so ever but he continues anyway. “because we keep insulting each other all the time and I don’t even dislike you that much so why the fuck would I even do that? And now I feel like shit because I’m part of the media too and I keep thinking what if. What if it’s the media, Louis, is it the media, is that why?

Fuck, I just wish that you would talk to someone, because it’s obvious that Harry doesn’t know and it _should_ be obvious that you have somewhat of an eating disorder to him because he loves you and I only noticed because I have so very little experience with it. Fuck, a friend of mine ended up killing herself and I really, really don’t want you to die Louis.” His voice trails off to a whisper and _fuck_ , fuck it all if the first person he ever tells about it is Louis Tomlinson. “I really don’t wanna watch another friend die knowing that there isn’t much I can do at all.”

There’s a long pause where none of them says anything. Nick feels drained to the bone. Louis probably feels even worse, Nick thinks.

“Okay,” is all Louis whispers. Then, a little louder, “fuck.”

Nick feels like crying. “Yeah, fuck.”

 

Nick gets a text not long after he leaves Louis’ home.

It’s from Louis, and it says _thank you_.

 

It’s a week later and Nick hasn’t heard from Louis at all but he knows from Harry that they have _a lot_ of tour rehearsals with the rest of their band.

He gets a series of texts towards the end of the Breakfast Show, and because of the possibility that it could be Louis needing help or someone to talk to has Nick queuing up Rihanna to read them.

There are two texts, one from Louis, one from Harry.

Louis’ says, _I told harry and im working on it_.

Harry’s, sent a few minutes later, says, _i dont know what wed do without you_.

Nick smiles to himself. He really is quite fond of those obnoxious boybanders in love.


End file.
